This is my life now, for some reason

Fiona: just bought ice cream and the sexy stars of new moon special from us weekly. i can't tell if life is awesome or terrible right now.
Ninty: sounds awesome compared to having to read ben franklin's autobiography. HOLY CRAP IS IT BORING

Erotic Twilight fanfic truly brings the lulz

Fiona: fyi trying not to die laughing in my cube. just was thinking about erotic twilight fanfic, natch. remember how i told you they always say "her hands fisted the sheets" or "her hands fisted his hair"? they def all share notes cause edward ALWAYS says in every single fanfic "come...i want to taste you"
Fiona: leading her by the hand to the location of their impending sexual congress
Sarah: COME I WANT TO TASTE YOU? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID??? EVERYONE IS AWFUL
Fiona: that's what EDWARD always says. it's always EDWARD
Sarah: i know dummy. twss joke
Fiona: OH i'm too stupid for jokes, i'm fiona, have we met?
Sarah: no but you remind me a bit of my dim housemate, smeagle [sic]
Fiona: i'm lolling all over the place in my cube
Sarah: p.s. gonna incorporate "impending sexual congress" into daily lexicon

A series of texts saved in my phone that are related to RPattz

The full title of this post is "A series of texts saved in my phone that are related to RPattz; or, For some reason Omer is operating under the misapprehension that I have straight boys in my actual life despite the considerable evidence, text-related alone, that would indicate otherwise."

Sarah (July 15, 4:55 PM): emergency: rpattz on wall street

Sarah (July 15, 5:06 PM): you can always just make fun of the crowd! ironic stalking! YOU WORK THERE YOU'RE ALLOWED

Sarah (July 15, 5:34 PM): don't forget to eat dinner. i don't want you to get drunk and tell everyone you stalked rpattz

(At some point around 6 I sent a mass text saying I saw RPattz, which I foolishly did not save; I will likely never again experience such triumph. Yes I left work to do this. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE including my boss told me to.)

Mike (July 15, 6:06 PM): Wtf get out

Alanty (July 15, 6:25 PM): FUCK YES!!! [side note: this was same text I got from Ninty when Obama got elected]

Omer (July 15, 7:41 PM): Fiona. Bring your straight boy friends to my really gay party on friday. Ok?! Robert pattinson will be there

Christine (July 15, 11:31 PM): That's awesome. Question--does he smell? On a scale of none to Bard what would you say it is?

Dad (July 20, 1:58 PM): Interesting! Nina told me u saw an actor frow [sic] Twilight

I never want a different room mate

Sarah: Have you seen Lawn Dogs? Sam Rockwell's in it and he plays a lawn mower. I mean someone who mows lawns, not a (gestures)

Friday Friday Friday

Fiona: i fuckin can't believe it's not 3:30 yet
Alanty: I KNOOOOOOW
Fiona: i'm not picking up the phone for the rest of the day. too many people i'm trying to avoid!
Alanty: GOOD PLAN!!!
Fiona: looks like someone's really phoning it in. ::sunglasses:: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alana: hahahaha looks like THAT call got avoided. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Fiona: looks like someone got called...home to jesus. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Re: The Vampire Diaries

Fiona: fake edward cullen is noooooo rpattz
Sarah: dude i KNOW so bad
Sarah: i could outrun him AND fight him off
Fiona: his smell doesn't invite me in

Cable: we hardly knew ye

Fiona: DEAR IO CUSTOMER SERVICE EMAIL PEOPLE, WHAT IS THIS KINDA BULLSHIT GOING ON WITH ADVANCED OPTIONS NOT AVAILABLE?
Sarah: I DON'T COME TO YOUR WORK AND PUT MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH.

Singlehood: Part 1 of Infinity

Real things mom has said

LOL OUR LIVES, an interaction via text

Fiona: just saw jacksper on the proactive commercial on tv. best moment of tonight.
Sarah: omg!!! he had acne? yesssssss
Fiona: he was the demonstration teen with like one fake pimple
Sarah: awesome. i like thinking about twi boys when i am miserable with other folks
Fiona: yeah it's one of my happy places. fyi watchin dogs 101 with sarah cause she'd already seen the iron chef that was on
Sarah: omg. omg omg omg.
Fiona: this show's not bad. apropos of nothing do you know any boys i can date.
Sarah:lolz




NO