SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW A LOVE THAT IS OUT OF THIS WORLD

Fiona: UHHHH, the internet says david duchovney is 50???
Sarah: I think that's right!!!???/
Fiona: i can't believe x-files started 17 years ago. also, why haven't i thought about searching for x files fanfic before?
Sarah: Probably something in your subconscious knew it would take over and ruin your life
Fiona: ahahaha ughhhh it couldn't be worse for me than twilight fanfic
Sarah: The year is 1944. A young soldier named fox mulder is headed to germany, but on the night before he ships out a prostitue named dana with a love of medical science captures his heart. They pledge that their love will survive the distance, but when dana is abducted by aliens, fox must risk it all, deserting the army to track her down.
Sarah: LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THE SAME GOVERNMENT THAT IS NOW AFTER HIM IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR DANA SCULLY'S DISAPPEARANCE.
Fiona: HAHAHAA
Fiona: dana scully is an ambitious young resident with no time for love. but when a handsome amnesiac in a red speedo whows up in her ER claiming to have been abducted by aliens, will she be able to figure out what really happened before her feelings for the stranger cloud her judgement? WILL SHE LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT UFO'S...AND THE TRUTH ABOUT HER OWN HEART?
Sarah: Dana scully is a social worker with the dc foster care system. One of her clients, samantha, has just been kicked out of her third foster home for her persistent alien abduction claims. Now dana must track down samantha's older brother, fox, who samantha claims was abducted too, before the girl is admitted to a psychiatric ward. Will dana find fox? Will she discover a love that is truly OUT OF THIS WORLD? Or will she find both??? I think it's both.
Fiona: i just loled on the street like a crazy person at that out of this world line. SO GOOD.

This is my life, for real

Fiona: ps i bought prescription subglasses today. i understand if you have to move out because of the toolitude of the fact that they're tortoise shell rayban wayfarers
Sarah: def moving out
Fiona: shucks. i'll just have to fill your room with an rpattz shrine. "DON'T GO IN THERE. THAT DOOR IS LOCKED FOR A REASON."
Sarah: "THERE'S A ROSE, SLOWLY LOSING ITS PETALS. IF I DON'T FUCK RPATTZ BY DAWN ON MY 30TH BIRTHDAY I'M DESTINED TO NOT FUCK RPATTZ EVER"
Fiona: "SURRENDER TO THE RPATTZ OF THE NIIIIIGHT"

Oh hi, neglected blog!

Alanty: GUESS WHO HAS A NEW TEXTABLE PHOOOOONE!!!!!
Alanty: WEE OOH WEE OOH WAHOO YAHOO
Fiona: hahahaha woo! today i'm wearing a bright pink shirt and teal tights. WHOA HEY LOOK AT ME I AM A FASHION REBEL
Alanty: Ooh!! Sounds awes! I am wearing a black skirt and black tights for a meeting. Turns out the 10 lbs I have gained turned this into a BAD IDEA SKIRT
Fiona: hahaha nice. all of my clothes are bad idea clothes
Alanty: No way. You got cute clothes. In other news FUUUCK WORRRRRK
Fiona: haha AGREED. work blewwwwwwws - ed sullivan
Alanty: Hahaha "geef my ass a kees, work" -- topo gigio

More good stuff

Fiona: just saw a hilariously scrabbly puppy run around in a circle too fast, fall on its face and recover immediately. new spirit animal, yes/yes?

Mike: I'd say...Yes?!

Fiona: "i'd fight gandhi."

"...good answer."

Mike: Ah fight club. Many a young man's confusing introduction to testosterone.

Fiona: and the start of many a young girl's unsettling sexual attraction to sweaty blood-covered men.

Mike: I count on that daily.

Fiona: ah, new york: the city with no eye contact. it's good to be back.

Alanty: Hahaha. Dispatch from washington heights, capital of baffling street harassment: (man looks at me) damn, I paid 50 dollars too much! (???)

Fiona: dude, that liquid eyeliner is so choice. i'll never doubt your makeup recommendations again.

Ninty: Darn tootin! I love that eyeliner! Like a marker! The choice-iest! Lol

Fiona: it's so easy!

Ninty: Helllls yeah. Will make people believe we have ballin' makeup skills we dont' actually possess.

Fiona: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

Ninty: Ahahaha. YEAHHHHH SUNGLASSES

Ninty: I'm watching usa v. Algeria. SO EFFIN TENSE. lol

Fiona: OH MAN. they're screening it on the 11th floor with coffee and donuts but the hr guy i hate is there so i don't wanna go

Ninty: If he leaves, YOU GOTTA CHECK IT lol.

Fiona: i watched the game from minute 68 on! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT! those algerian rogues with their nonstop fouls. also 91st minute goal! fucking AMAAAAAAAZING

Ninty: SERIOUSLY. total insanity! Pure american balls made that possible. EAT IT, ALGERIA.

Fiona: AHAHAH i just emailed your text to my coworkers who were also watching cause it was so awes.

Marge: WOOOOO!!!! Eclipse viewing with Alana and Sarah etc?? It's supposed to be horrible but we can ogle some sweet vampire action.

Fiona: oh my god yes let's! not to get your hopes up but there is a refreshing amount of plot in eclipse!

Marge: FUCK YEAH! But I was looking forward to that camera circling thingy where nothing happens for 4 months. Should I read the book first? Cuz I'll do it, I will!

Fiona: ahahaa cinematic genius. i don't think it's necessary, it's not like you'd be like "the book was way better" but it wouldn't take you very long should you choose to do so

Marge: I think I had better. I might not understand the complexities of the relationships otherwise, which would be devastating. WOOOO I say!!

Fiona: it's very hard to follow. easy to confuse the brooding with the glowering and the glittering with the sparkling. "wait, which one is like a russet adonis and which one is like a marble tribute to a forgotten god of beauty?"

Marge: AHAHAHAHA. I tried to read your text aloud to Alana but was laughing so hard I hadda just show it to her and now she is too.

Fiona: also that dude with the cut lip: fiiiiiiine!

Ninty: I KNOW. I had my eye on him the whole game. Also: jozy altidore. FIIIIINE. And two months younger than me! I feel so unaccomplished!

Fiona: we can't all be sexy soccah playahs, some of us just gotta be playahs reg-steez

Ninty: Ahaha indeed!

HNNNNNNG

Fiona: hoo boy, there's nothing more disgusting first thing in the morning than a commute that's heavily scented of human dook

Alanty: OH JESUSSSSS. People in other cities might ask how we know it's human dook. Then we would laff knowingly.

Fiona: hahahaha

Fiona: i feel like i can still smell it. i'm concerned that i absorbed some of the smell

Alanty: Also funny bc last night I dreamed -- and Marge helped me realize that poop in my dreams is most often a symbol of psychic residue of emotional "shit" being processed and dealt with -- so I dreamed you clogged the terlet with this HUGE ENTIRE-INTESTINE SHAPED poo, which was so dense and impacted I had to chop it up and plunge it down. I think it's about you going to therapy n shit.

Fiona: ahahahahaha! my dream self and psychic shit apologize for clogging your mind-toilet

Alanty: Omg the mind-toilet made me die laffing on the street. Also don't worry, you didn't absorb the smell. You are just olfactorily traumatized and experiencing post dook traumatic stress

Fiona: post-dookmatic stress disodor!

Alanty: AHAHAHAHA YOU ARE A JEENYUS

Fiona: goin on the blerg lol

Alanty: Hahahahaha how could it not: it's about poop!

moar texts

Fiona: i love how hr keeps sending out all these weight watchers at work emails but not a one about quitting smoking
Sarah: thats so fucked. still think you should sue
Fiona: lol
Fiona: [employer] now hiring, fatties need not apply


Sarah: i am the worst ever, but could you clean litter pan for me tonight? i am getting home real late and i noticed this morning it is way ripe
Fiona: no problem
Sarah: carlo and i thank you
Fiona: i noticed it was a bit stank this morning too. to dos for this evening: psychiatrist, laundry, cat box, try to avoid hyperventilating over rpattz hair, continue not having sex
Sarah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sarah: ugh. waiting at a bar and waitress making small talk. cant handle it. LOVE DRINKING ALONE THOUGH
Fiona: lol lol. just listened to a long conversation about rent control and jail and classic cars and oil spill. ah, the shrink waiting room at a mental health slash substance abuse program


Fiona: am waiting to see shrink. hnnnnnnnnnng crazy people.
Alanty: Haha YIPES THEY SCARE ME
Fiona: seriously. i'm like "uh, why were you in jail for the last 49 days? i mean, i guess i can watch your walking stick/branch and plastic bag full of grocery circulars and other plastic bags while you disappear for 20 minutes."
Alanty: Eeeeeeek!!!! Your shrink must be grateful for normies like you!
Fiona: i like to think so!
Alanty: Youuuuu know it! You should get the non-scary patient discount


Fiona: ps [coworker] gem from last friday i forgot to tell you about: "you know, 'raw bar' is almost a palindrome...though i guess with palindromes 'almost' doesn't count"
Sarah: awesome
Alanty: Juahahahahahahahahahahahah
Alanty: You shoulda given him the old mr walsh-ism: "close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades."
Fiona: oh man. i am totally saying that all the time from now on
Alanty: Haha mr. Walsh ruled. I hope he's happy wherever he is, and safe from that psycho death threater!

I spent the whole train ride wondering why I was the only one with an idiotic grin on my face

Fiona: I JUST RODE THE R TRAIN WITH CHRIS NOTH

Riley: Omg i am sooooooooo jealous, gimme some of that!

Alanty: HO SHITTTTT!!

Mom: OMG!

Anna: AWESOME!!!!!!

Mike: Holy eff! Do you feel any different?

Sarah: why was chris noth on the subway???

Kaitlin: WHAT

Street harassment and books, just another day

Sarah: a new one: "mis, miss you dropped something." (sarah looks around confused) "miss, you dropped my heart." that doesn't even make sense!

Fiona: WHAT THE FUCK. "miss, miss! you dropped a deuce on my heart!"

Fiona: ps steven lent me up in the air (the book). whyyyyy, i just wanna finish readin rebecca and not have his dumb book kicking around forevs

Sarah: oh GOD. does he just have the worst most conventional taste every??? also, next halloween i wanna be mrs. danvers

Fiona: ugh yes. also, that is totally an awesome costume idea. fuck. i might steal that.

Fiona: also we should have a halloween party next year. or go to one. as mrs. danvers and the ghost of rebecca. carlo can be jasper.

Sarah: if you want i'll be rebecca and you can just be totally gay for me

Fiona: OH THE LATE MRS. DE WINTER ALWAYS WAS FOND OF SAUCES

Fiona: ps steven lent me up in the air (the book). whyyyyy, i just wanna finish readin rebecca and not have his dumb book kicking around forevs

Alanty: Hahahahahaha as midnight oil said (paraphrase) you gotta give it baaaaaack. How can we sleep when our books are returning?

Fiona: hahaha, i love that song

BREAKING: This conversation took place in person.

Sarah: Is Lando his real name?
Fiona: Orlando. When I first met him I was like OH MAN LIKE LANDO CALRISSIAN???
Sarah: ...who?
Fiona: (facial expression conveying something between incredulity and derision)
Sarah: It's something really nerdy, isn't it?
Fiona: It's a character from Star Wars.
Sarah: Oh. Wait. I think I knew that from that Blink-182 song about Star Wars.
Fiona: That is WAY WORSE than knowing it from actual Star Wars.

This is really what our lives are like

Sarah: oh p.s. im vit d deficient too. HEALTH PROBLEM TWINS!

Fiona: oh fyi for vit d deficiency. my vitamin d level was like SHOCKINGLY low when they tested me for it the first time, so i imagine the doc told you to take supplements but just fyi i take 400 iu vitamin d in the morning, and then 1 calcium supplement with 400 iu vit d each at lunch and dinner, and that works really well and my levels are way way higher. so yeah. i am at like senior citizen level of daily supplements and pills.

Sarah: she told me what to take but i forget. will compare with you at home like bored widows

Fiona: hahaaha our lives rule. "marilyn manson's music really speaks to me. how much vitamin d do you take to keep your bones from turning into dust?"

Sarah: HAHAHAHAHA