This is my life, for real

Fiona: ps i bought prescription subglasses today. i understand if you have to move out because of the toolitude of the fact that they're tortoise shell rayban wayfarers
Sarah: def moving out
Fiona: shucks. i'll just have to fill your room with an rpattz shrine. "DON'T GO IN THERE. THAT DOOR IS LOCKED FOR A REASON."
Sarah: "THERE'S A ROSE, SLOWLY LOSING ITS PETALS. IF I DON'T FUCK RPATTZ BY DAWN ON MY 30TH BIRTHDAY I'M DESTINED TO NOT FUCK RPATTZ EVER"
Fiona: "SURRENDER TO THE RPATTZ OF THE NIIIIIGHT"

moar texts

Fiona: i love how hr keeps sending out all these weight watchers at work emails but not a one about quitting smoking
Sarah: thats so fucked. still think you should sue
Fiona: lol
Fiona: [employer] now hiring, fatties need not apply


Sarah: i am the worst ever, but could you clean litter pan for me tonight? i am getting home real late and i noticed this morning it is way ripe
Fiona: no problem
Sarah: carlo and i thank you
Fiona: i noticed it was a bit stank this morning too. to dos for this evening: psychiatrist, laundry, cat box, try to avoid hyperventilating over rpattz hair, continue not having sex
Sarah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sarah: ugh. waiting at a bar and waitress making small talk. cant handle it. LOVE DRINKING ALONE THOUGH
Fiona: lol lol. just listened to a long conversation about rent control and jail and classic cars and oil spill. ah, the shrink waiting room at a mental health slash substance abuse program


Fiona: am waiting to see shrink. hnnnnnnnnnng crazy people.
Alanty: Haha YIPES THEY SCARE ME
Fiona: seriously. i'm like "uh, why were you in jail for the last 49 days? i mean, i guess i can watch your walking stick/branch and plastic bag full of grocery circulars and other plastic bags while you disappear for 20 minutes."
Alanty: Eeeeeeek!!!! Your shrink must be grateful for normies like you!
Fiona: i like to think so!
Alanty: Youuuuu know it! You should get the non-scary patient discount


Fiona: ps [coworker] gem from last friday i forgot to tell you about: "you know, 'raw bar' is almost a palindrome...though i guess with palindromes 'almost' doesn't count"
Sarah: awesome
Alanty: Juahahahahahahahahahahahah
Alanty: You shoulda given him the old mr walsh-ism: "close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades."
Fiona: oh man. i am totally saying that all the time from now on
Alanty: Haha mr. Walsh ruled. I hope he's happy wherever he is, and safe from that psycho death threater!

Street harassment and books, just another day

Sarah: a new one: "mis, miss you dropped something." (sarah looks around confused) "miss, you dropped my heart." that doesn't even make sense!

Fiona: WHAT THE FUCK. "miss, miss! you dropped a deuce on my heart!"

Fiona: ps steven lent me up in the air (the book). whyyyyy, i just wanna finish readin rebecca and not have his dumb book kicking around forevs

Sarah: oh GOD. does he just have the worst most conventional taste every??? also, next halloween i wanna be mrs. danvers

Fiona: ugh yes. also, that is totally an awesome costume idea. fuck. i might steal that.

Fiona: also we should have a halloween party next year. or go to one. as mrs. danvers and the ghost of rebecca. carlo can be jasper.

Sarah: if you want i'll be rebecca and you can just be totally gay for me

Fiona: OH THE LATE MRS. DE WINTER ALWAYS WAS FOND OF SAUCES

Fiona: ps steven lent me up in the air (the book). whyyyyy, i just wanna finish readin rebecca and not have his dumb book kicking around forevs

Alanty: Hahahahahaha as midnight oil said (paraphrase) you gotta give it baaaaaack. How can we sleep when our books are returning?

Fiona: hahaha, i love that song

Starting the new year off with just the right combination of despair and smugness

Fiona: fyi last night when i was talking to him an extremely drunk girl who was essentially my polar opposite came up to him and interrupted our convo with "you can wet my reed any day" and then asked for a kiss, and they kissed, and she went away and he was like "that is why people are in bands" and then 2 minutes later the drunk girl was on a table trying to take a decoration off the wall and the table tipped and she almost fell and a glass broke and she got yelled at by the bartender who was like "GOODNIGHT MISS WE'RE NOT SERVING YOU ANYMORE." lolsob for the record books.
Sarah: oh my god. are you living in a move? are we on TV?? TRUMAN, I MADE MACARONI

Now you don't have to read any erotic Twilight fanfic because this is exactly what it's like

Fiona: i just came across "pebbled" [nipples] in this fanfic. i'm so mad
Sarah: omg srsly??? what's WRONG WITH THEM
Fiona: they need to stop stealing from each other! at least be stupid in original ways
Fiona: just found a fic where bella's size 14 and edward loves her anyway. LOL LOL LOL SO UNREALISTIC
Sarah: i wish we had twilight audio books for the subway
Sarah: HAHAHHAHAHA NO OMG. SEND IT TO ME
Fiona: hahahaha i wish! there would be lolling all over the B/Q. also i only just found it and am on chapter one but it's rated M. FAT SEX
Sarah: bella, your thighs may be the size of christmas hams but they ARE my life now
Fiona: LOL GOING ON THE BLOG
Sarah: quick come up with a line that incorporates dust motes and stretch marks.
Fiona: I GAZED AT THE DUST MOTES FLOATING IN THE AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT AS IT STRUCK THE SPARKLING SKIN ON EDWARD'S HAND AS IT LOVINGLY CARESSED MY STRETCHMARKS
Fiona: HE TOOK ME BY THE HAND AND SAID "COME, I WANT TO TASTE YOU." MY NIPPLES PEBBLED AT THE THOUGHT AND MY HANDS FISTED IN HIS HAIR. HE GROANED AND SAID "YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME"
Sarah: ...AND THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS FAT!

The nightmare is true, those are real quotations

Sarah: i can't believe the way she has bella describe herself
Sarah: I CAN'T READ THIS WITHOUT GRINNING THE WHOLE TIME I LOOK LIKE A CREEP
Fiona: i know! i was just thinking that to myself as i examined my ivory skin
Fiona: ps i'm sorry i ruined your life
Sarah: i'm alienating everyone. surprise!
Fiona: are you at a party?
Sarah: there's like 5 other people
Fiona: so you're in the corner reading Twilight and occasionally interrupting with "that's offensive to sex workers"?
Sarah: basically
Sarah: can we brunch?
Fiona: yes ma'am
Sarah: "the wasting of finite resources is everyone's business"


Fiona: gaaaah EMMETT THAT'S NOT A WORD. TAKE IT OFF THE BOARD.


Fiona: "jasper's been thinking about cheating -- adverse as he is to the idea"
adverse
Adverse
ADVERSE
Fiona: this series is teaching me that a woman isn't whole unless there's marriage and babies
Fiona: ugggggghhh edward and bella are discussing which commandments they've broken when they should be fucking
Fiona: the internet's not working. i only have 50 pages of eclipse left. it's going to be a really long week.
Sarah: oh NO
Fiona: "who's definition of right?" I AM DYING
Fiona: "I AM IN YOUR DEBT ROCK GODS OF MUSE FOR YET ANOTHER INSPIRING ALBUM"
Sarah: "i may not be human but i am a man." Wtf????

Fiona: number of times Bella says "holy crow!" in first three books: at least 5

it's just more shame.

Fiona: i bought the first 3, the last one was only in hardcover. apparently there is a line i won't cross.
Fiona: oh fyi twilight's epigraph is from the bible
Sarah: i just saw the new moon preview and kind of squealed. sarah looked at me funny
Fiona: oh yeah, cause you're the weird one
Fiona: up to page 45 - number of times that bella mentions that she's already studied what her class is covering: 3. "dazzling" used once. also "greenly"
Sarah: as in "the grass reflected greenly in his dazzling sparkling skin"?
Fiona: not exactly but it sounds like you've got her style down already
Fiona: "his gaze became appraising." YOU DONKEY. fyi i will stop texting you about this i swear
Sarah: hahahahahha
Sarah: p.s. tell me you've seen the VF pic of rpattz eating corn
Fiona: i have. amaaaazing. those pics are...really attractive. i like the black and white one. but the corn one is best concept-wise, obvs
Sarah: "now rob, move the corn a little to the left...no your other left.. ok ok now butter the corn, butter the corn, rob...there ya go."
Fiona: hahaha um new thing to yell in bed?
Fiona: BUTTER THE CORN ROB
Sarah: LOL-ING ALL OVER THE PLACE
Fiona: "no...leave the bib on"

Fiona: "'aren't you hungry?' he asked, distracted. 'no.' i didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full-- of butterflies."
Sarah: OH MY GOD. could you please write a novel already?
Fiona: yeah i guess someone's gotta be a counterbalance for this

Fiona: sorry i know it's late but very important: "dust moats" instead of "dust motes"
Sarah: wtf is a dust mote?
Fiona: bits of dust. like when you're in a sunny room you can see them floating around. it's very common. you can google it.
Sarah: i hate you go to bed

Newsflash everyone: Doctors aren't well-rounded (and peripherally are frequently dicks)

Alanty: also i just read a doc where a doctor used "there" instead of "their" and made an involuntary painface, sharp intake of breath, and said, oooooh
Fiona: DAMMIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A COPY EDITOR
Alanty: HAHAHAHAHA SO GOOOOOOOOD
Alanty: GOING ON BLOG
Fiona: SRSLY
Alanty: i am sure it was just that he typed so speedily he wasn't thinking straight
Fiona: it must just be that he's so smart and his brain moves so fast his fangers can barely keep up, and curse this useless bag of flesh! so inaccurate and feeble! or at least we can hope as such.
Alanty: hahahaha useless bag of flesh
Fiona: in all seriousness though that's horrifying
Alanty: uh oh he also wrote "have lead"
Fiona: OH NOOOO