moar texts

Fiona: i love how hr keeps sending out all these weight watchers at work emails but not a one about quitting smoking
Sarah: thats so fucked. still think you should sue
Fiona: lol
Fiona: [employer] now hiring, fatties need not apply


Sarah: i am the worst ever, but could you clean litter pan for me tonight? i am getting home real late and i noticed this morning it is way ripe
Fiona: no problem
Sarah: carlo and i thank you
Fiona: i noticed it was a bit stank this morning too. to dos for this evening: psychiatrist, laundry, cat box, try to avoid hyperventilating over rpattz hair, continue not having sex
Sarah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Sarah: ugh. waiting at a bar and waitress making small talk. cant handle it. LOVE DRINKING ALONE THOUGH
Fiona: lol lol. just listened to a long conversation about rent control and jail and classic cars and oil spill. ah, the shrink waiting room at a mental health slash substance abuse program


Fiona: am waiting to see shrink. hnnnnnnnnnng crazy people.
Alanty: Haha YIPES THEY SCARE ME
Fiona: seriously. i'm like "uh, why were you in jail for the last 49 days? i mean, i guess i can watch your walking stick/branch and plastic bag full of grocery circulars and other plastic bags while you disappear for 20 minutes."
Alanty: Eeeeeeek!!!! Your shrink must be grateful for normies like you!
Fiona: i like to think so!
Alanty: Youuuuu know it! You should get the non-scary patient discount


Fiona: ps [coworker] gem from last friday i forgot to tell you about: "you know, 'raw bar' is almost a palindrome...though i guess with palindromes 'almost' doesn't count"
Sarah: awesome
Alanty: Juahahahahahahahahahahahah
Alanty: You shoulda given him the old mr walsh-ism: "close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades."
Fiona: oh man. i am totally saying that all the time from now on
Alanty: Haha mr. Walsh ruled. I hope he's happy wherever he is, and safe from that psycho death threater!

Now you don't have to read any erotic Twilight fanfic because this is exactly what it's like

Fiona: i just came across "pebbled" [nipples] in this fanfic. i'm so mad
Sarah: omg srsly??? what's WRONG WITH THEM
Fiona: they need to stop stealing from each other! at least be stupid in original ways
Fiona: just found a fic where bella's size 14 and edward loves her anyway. LOL LOL LOL SO UNREALISTIC
Sarah: i wish we had twilight audio books for the subway
Sarah: HAHAHHAHAHA NO OMG. SEND IT TO ME
Fiona: hahahaha i wish! there would be lolling all over the B/Q. also i only just found it and am on chapter one but it's rated M. FAT SEX
Sarah: bella, your thighs may be the size of christmas hams but they ARE my life now
Fiona: LOL GOING ON THE BLOG
Sarah: quick come up with a line that incorporates dust motes and stretch marks.
Fiona: I GAZED AT THE DUST MOTES FLOATING IN THE AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT AS IT STRUCK THE SPARKLING SKIN ON EDWARD'S HAND AS IT LOVINGLY CARESSED MY STRETCHMARKS
Fiona: HE TOOK ME BY THE HAND AND SAID "COME, I WANT TO TASTE YOU." MY NIPPLES PEBBLED AT THE THOUGHT AND MY HANDS FISTED IN HIS HAIR. HE GROANED AND SAID "YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME"
Sarah: ...AND THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS FAT!

Template jokes: it's what I do

Fiona: maybe this'll make them gimme a new computer cause mine is totes old
Alanty: OOH THEY BETTER! you do 90% of the work at that firm!
Fiona: hahaha disclaimer: figure may be inflated
Alanty: disclaimer: FUCK OFF EVERYBODY WHO DISPUTES THE INTEGRAL IMPORTANCE OF FIONTY TO THE DAILY OPERATIONS OF FRAGDEL ROCK
Fiona: that's my new fave joke set up-- the disclaimer. like we were watching "to be fat like me" on lifetime and some character said "i don't care what you looked like you were confident so i like you" or whatev and i was like "disclaimer: depiction of teenage boy not accurate"