Now you don't have to read any erotic Twilight fanfic because this is exactly what it's like

Fiona: i just came across "pebbled" [nipples] in this fanfic. i'm so mad
Sarah: omg srsly??? what's WRONG WITH THEM
Fiona: they need to stop stealing from each other! at least be stupid in original ways
Fiona: just found a fic where bella's size 14 and edward loves her anyway. LOL LOL LOL SO UNREALISTIC
Sarah: i wish we had twilight audio books for the subway
Sarah: HAHAHHAHAHA NO OMG. SEND IT TO ME
Fiona: hahahaha i wish! there would be lolling all over the B/Q. also i only just found it and am on chapter one but it's rated M. FAT SEX
Sarah: bella, your thighs may be the size of christmas hams but they ARE my life now
Fiona: LOL GOING ON THE BLOG
Sarah: quick come up with a line that incorporates dust motes and stretch marks.
Fiona: I GAZED AT THE DUST MOTES FLOATING IN THE AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT AS IT STRUCK THE SPARKLING SKIN ON EDWARD'S HAND AS IT LOVINGLY CARESSED MY STRETCHMARKS
Fiona: HE TOOK ME BY THE HAND AND SAID "COME, I WANT TO TASTE YOU." MY NIPPLES PEBBLED AT THE THOUGHT AND MY HANDS FISTED IN HIS HAIR. HE GROANED AND SAID "YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME"
Sarah: ...AND THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS FAT!

Oh god, the frenzy is getting worse

Sarah: "shall i rephrase? breakfast time for the human"


Sarah: "AND THEN I CAREFULLY SEALED AWAY MY HEART"
Sarah: p.s. i'm getting choked up. i hate myself.
Fiona: at least in all my insanity, that never happened to me.
Sarah: eff u
Fiona: "eff u," said sarah to the autistic robot


Sarah: dude why on earth do they get on a PLANE??? don't they have super human speed????
Fiona: it's faster than running. alice says so. p.s. kill me


Sarah: lesson of the day: reading a 550 page book called Rape on the subway is more awkward than reading twilight on the subway


Fiona: p.s. i've decided to preface everything i do with "(blank) time for the human"
Sarah: hahaha i was thinking the same thing
Sarah: sleep time for the human!


Sarah: AHHHHHHHHH LIFE
Sarah: question: are the voices she hears in new moon actually edward or just her imagining what edward would say, i can't tell cause none of it makes sense anyway
Fiona: she's imagining it. did you get to the end yet? she gives some bullshit explanation at the end that's supposed to be like oh she's not crazy but it makes no fucking sense.
Sarah: no i'm only on page 115
Sarah: question: wy doesn't bella just find another vamp to turn her?
Fiona: because of the frenzy that starts when they drink blood. although there are ton of newborns in eclipse. not surprisingly this discrepancy is never addressed. ps kill me.


Melissa: "the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van's body"?!?! Really?!?! oh boy, haha.
Fiona: hahaha oh my god are you reading it???
Melissa: Yeeeees. i borrowed from a woman on my floor. i go all curious and it really might kill me like a cat. So. Bad. You were not exaggerating!
Melissa: i shake my fist at you stephanie meyers! as i find myself reading voraciously to find the plot
Fiona: hahaha i'm putting that on my blog
Fiona: also settle in for a long ride before plot shows up, late to the party and drunk as usual
Melissa: Yes, fame! I was actually thinking about crcking open wine to read with: if the plot is going to show up wasted, i can meet it tipsy.
Fiona: breaking dawn, page 55: first appearance of the word "manfully" in this history of the english language. STEPHENIE MEYER YOU ARE A DONKEY
Melissa: Hahaha i guess she used the thesaurus so hard it broke and she was stuck making up her own backward-ass (donkey that is) words. Oh i crack myself up.
Fiona: hahah absotively
Fiona: srsly it's like a madlibs thing. bella admired edward's (adjective), (adjective) (body part) and (verb, past-tense) at his (type of rock)-like (body part).
Fiona: hmmm. that particular sentence could be really dirty if not careful. speaking of, there are so many moments where i'm like WHY AREN'T THEY DOING IT
Melissa: Haha it felt totally dirty and i was thinking to myself "hmmm do they get all nekkid?" right now it's more angsty than sexy. -we can't have teens across the usa thinking it's okay to have premarital sex! even if he says he's a vampire
Fiona: hahaha stupid mormon author. there's a part in eclipse when they talk about which commandments they've broken, and then edward is totally gonna do it with her, but then bella decides she wants to wait for marriage too, and i was like FFFFFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKK
Melissa: Hahaha i guess that's why all hat fanfiction sprouted up. Some frustrated readers don't stand for that. No doesn't always mean no, someimes it means YES!
Fiona: haha thank god for people on the internet who are shameless desperate weirdos and make me seem less insane
Melissa: Ahh i think that almost everyday of my life. Thanks universe and technology, now i know for sure i am more sane and balanced than a lot of other people!


Fiona: "the two brazilians looked incredibly short and dark next to him." RACIST
Sarah: hahahahahahaha


Fiona: jacob's perspective, page 1: "life sucks, and then you die. yeah, i should be so lucky." DAZZLING WORDPLAY, SPARKLING EVEN


Fiona: fyi breaking dawn has a refreshing amount of plot


Fiona; breaking dawn reveals that while humans have 23 chromosomal pairs, vamps have 25. SCIENCE FAIL
Ninty: THAT'S FUCKING RETARDED.

Fiona: "it was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. a place where you just expected snow white to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes." OMG SERIOUSLY ARE YOU SERIOUS
Fiona: "IF I HADN'T SEEN HIM UNDRESSED I WOULD HAVE SWORN THERE WAS NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN EDWARD IN HIS KHAKITS AND PALE BEIGE PULLOVER"
Sarah: er.....i love you but you're waking me up girl
Fiona: oh sorry, will stop [CHAGRIN]

The nightmare is true, those are real quotations

Sarah: i can't believe the way she has bella describe herself
Sarah: I CAN'T READ THIS WITHOUT GRINNING THE WHOLE TIME I LOOK LIKE A CREEP
Fiona: i know! i was just thinking that to myself as i examined my ivory skin
Fiona: ps i'm sorry i ruined your life
Sarah: i'm alienating everyone. surprise!
Fiona: are you at a party?
Sarah: there's like 5 other people
Fiona: so you're in the corner reading Twilight and occasionally interrupting with "that's offensive to sex workers"?
Sarah: basically
Sarah: can we brunch?
Fiona: yes ma'am
Sarah: "the wasting of finite resources is everyone's business"


Fiona: gaaaah EMMETT THAT'S NOT A WORD. TAKE IT OFF THE BOARD.


Fiona: "jasper's been thinking about cheating -- adverse as he is to the idea"
adverse
Adverse
ADVERSE
Fiona: this series is teaching me that a woman isn't whole unless there's marriage and babies
Fiona: ugggggghhh edward and bella are discussing which commandments they've broken when they should be fucking
Fiona: the internet's not working. i only have 50 pages of eclipse left. it's going to be a really long week.
Sarah: oh NO
Fiona: "who's definition of right?" I AM DYING
Fiona: "I AM IN YOUR DEBT ROCK GODS OF MUSE FOR YET ANOTHER INSPIRING ALBUM"
Sarah: "i may not be human but i am a man." Wtf????

Fiona: number of times Bella says "holy crow!" in first three books: at least 5

An impassioned email I wrote earlier today, with convenient explanatory links for people who aren't as smart as I am

NICOLE KIDMAN??????? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK. I bet she's going to be the really really clingy and annoying mistress, what was her name? It makes me irrationally angry that Nicole Kidman is probably going to spend more time making out with Rpattz for this movie than I ever will spend making out in general.

Life is so bad. I can't even tell if I want Kstew & Rpattz to be dating or not. Either way I feel crazy! What is wrong with us. At least there are like a million girls probably feeling the same way out there and we can secretly feel superior because we read books that aren't about vampires sometimes. Like this one, which is a collection of stories about werewolves. They're all documented...they're all true. There's this one time where a guy who believed he was a werewolf came out from the woods into a clearing and had a baby in his mouth. Like the best french spirits it's vintage dated, fermented in the bottle NGGAAAAAAH FRENCH EXCELLENCE.

it's just more shame.

Fiona: i bought the first 3, the last one was only in hardcover. apparently there is a line i won't cross.
Fiona: oh fyi twilight's epigraph is from the bible
Sarah: i just saw the new moon preview and kind of squealed. sarah looked at me funny
Fiona: oh yeah, cause you're the weird one
Fiona: up to page 45 - number of times that bella mentions that she's already studied what her class is covering: 3. "dazzling" used once. also "greenly"
Sarah: as in "the grass reflected greenly in his dazzling sparkling skin"?
Fiona: not exactly but it sounds like you've got her style down already
Fiona: "his gaze became appraising." YOU DONKEY. fyi i will stop texting you about this i swear
Sarah: hahahahahha
Sarah: p.s. tell me you've seen the VF pic of rpattz eating corn
Fiona: i have. amaaaazing. those pics are...really attractive. i like the black and white one. but the corn one is best concept-wise, obvs
Sarah: "now rob, move the corn a little to the left...no your other left.. ok ok now butter the corn, butter the corn, rob...there ya go."
Fiona: hahaha um new thing to yell in bed?
Fiona: BUTTER THE CORN ROB
Sarah: LOL-ING ALL OVER THE PLACE
Fiona: "no...leave the bib on"

Fiona: "'aren't you hungry?' he asked, distracted. 'no.' i didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full-- of butterflies."
Sarah: OH MY GOD. could you please write a novel already?
Fiona: yeah i guess someone's gotta be a counterbalance for this

Fiona: sorry i know it's late but very important: "dust moats" instead of "dust motes"
Sarah: wtf is a dust mote?
Fiona: bits of dust. like when you're in a sunny room you can see them floating around. it's very common. you can google it.
Sarah: i hate you go to bed

Sweet merciful jesus why

Fiona: fyi can't stop listening to neko case album you gave me. so good holy crap.
Sarah: iknowrite???mm?hywkywqhegw2 SO TIRED
Fiona: oh noooo. sorry i busted in kramer-style last night and dropped my keys in the echo chamber, forgot you'd be on couch.
Sarah: trust me you're the least of my problems
Fiona: that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me
Sarah: <3
Sarah: the fake rpattz and kstew relationship is fake over btw
Fiona: now's our chance to swoop in and scoop him up, if the pattinson pants lady or nutty madam hasn't gotten to him already

some time later

Fiona: ps james sent me rpattz cross stitch pattern from gawker. he knows me too well.

Newsflash everyone: Doctors aren't well-rounded (and peripherally are frequently dicks)

Alanty: also i just read a doc where a doctor used "there" instead of "their" and made an involuntary painface, sharp intake of breath, and said, oooooh
Fiona: DAMMIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A COPY EDITOR
Alanty: HAHAHAHAHA SO GOOOOOOOOD
Alanty: GOING ON BLOG
Fiona: SRSLY
Alanty: i am sure it was just that he typed so speedily he wasn't thinking straight
Fiona: it must just be that he's so smart and his brain moves so fast his fangers can barely keep up, and curse this useless bag of flesh! so inaccurate and feeble! or at least we can hope as such.
Alanty: hahahaha useless bag of flesh
Fiona: in all seriousness though that's horrifying
Alanty: uh oh he also wrote "have lead"
Fiona: OH NOOOO

This week in erotic Twilight fanfic

Sarah: have been working all day for once. am now done and bored with an hour to go. just googled twilight fan fiction. sigh.
Fiona: hah i'm jealous. i'm not feeling well, came in at 1 to craziness, trying to weigh letting stuff sit around an extra day which really shouldn't or stay late
Sara: oh no SWINE FLU?
Fiona: prob not. maybe a cold? i hope!
Sarah: um. this stuff is making me FEEL WEIRD
Fiona: is it stirring strange desires and longings? FOR UNDYING LOVE? AND ROMANCE?
Sara: mostly for ice cold vampire sex

It is actsh way more boring than thatt

Alanty: LOTUS NOTES. i don't even know what that is, but i have heard of it and it makes me think of a buddha's published ruminations on meditation

YESSSSS

Fiona: friend! are you busy halloween? do you have any availability slash interest to see the misfits play at bb king's with me?
Ninty: 1 of 2: Holy balls! That sounds amazing! It would suck to miss halloween at bard, but can i really pass
Ninty: 2 of 2: up the misfits?!?!

Someday this blog will have things in addition to text transcripts. Someday.

Fiona: this outfit looks good but going to the bathroom is moidah
Alanty: oh no! is it made of leather pants and pulleys and an electric fence?
Fiona: hahaha almost! it's a layer of tights, then my tank top over that but tucked into a high waisted skirt. lots of over under action
Alanty: hahaha what's the over under on fionty being able to negotiate her outfit obstacle course before she pees her skirt?

A sandwich for the ages

Alanty: CHICKEN SALAD WITH BACON WHAT WHAAAAAT
Fiona: OMG YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE
Alanty: GETTING SO FULL BUT THIS IS AWESOME. also the deli made it up. i can't take credit. i just asked for the #2. GUFFAW

Template jokes: it's what I do

Fiona: maybe this'll make them gimme a new computer cause mine is totes old
Alanty: OOH THEY BETTER! you do 90% of the work at that firm!
Fiona: hahaha disclaimer: figure may be inflated
Alanty: disclaimer: FUCK OFF EVERYBODY WHO DISPUTES THE INTEGRAL IMPORTANCE OF FIONTY TO THE DAILY OPERATIONS OF FRAGDEL ROCK
Fiona: that's my new fave joke set up-- the disclaimer. like we were watching "to be fat like me" on lifetime and some character said "i don't care what you looked like you were confident so i like you" or whatev and i was like "disclaimer: depiction of teenage boy not accurate"

It always comes back to vamps

Sarah: cuz when i did that, there was a gross hand job involved and i don't want to see you make my mistakes
Sarah: (p.s. oh god, my life....)
Fiona: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. i knew you made out with the nebbishy guy. i din't know about the hj! WAS IT THE SAME GUY? YOU ARE TELLING ME THIS STORY LATER. our lives should be made into a movie.
Sarah: oh it was the nebbishy guy. with the gross diabetic cat and the horrible apartment. oh god thinking about his naked lower half makes me srsly vom in my mouth
Fiona: OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN I'M LOLLING ALL OVER MY CUBE
Sarah: glad its fun for someone! (besides him.) also i'm so glad this will surely make it to your blog
Fiona: HAHA i'm not that big of a bitch. unless you're cool with it
Sarah: oh i don't care. it could be way worse. it could involve candles, a lock of hair, a book of spells, and us weekly's sexy stars of twilight
Fiona: hahahaha how did you know about my plans for after reality bites???? ps did i show you my vampire bite freckles? i got embarrassingly excited when i noticed them, which i can't believe took me so long
Sarah: yes fiona. you showed me your vampire freckles
Fiona: haha oh shit

[several hours later]

Fiona: wait did he remove his pants entirely? i've been dying thinking about this for 2 hours.
Sarah: yup. pants off. i'm trying to think of the mechanics of how that happened but i think i honestly blocked it from memory.

This is my life now, for some reason

Fiona: just bought ice cream and the sexy stars of new moon special from us weekly. i can't tell if life is awesome or terrible right now.
Ninty: sounds awesome compared to having to read ben franklin's autobiography. HOLY CRAP IS IT BORING

Erotic Twilight fanfic truly brings the lulz

Fiona: fyi trying not to die laughing in my cube. just was thinking about erotic twilight fanfic, natch. remember how i told you they always say "her hands fisted the sheets" or "her hands fisted his hair"? they def all share notes cause edward ALWAYS says in every single fanfic "come...i want to taste you"
Fiona: leading her by the hand to the location of their impending sexual congress
Sarah: COME I WANT TO TASTE YOU? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID??? EVERYONE IS AWFUL
Fiona: that's what EDWARD always says. it's always EDWARD
Sarah: i know dummy. twss joke
Fiona: OH i'm too stupid for jokes, i'm fiona, have we met?
Sarah: no but you remind me a bit of my dim housemate, smeagle [sic]
Fiona: i'm lolling all over the place in my cube
Sarah: p.s. gonna incorporate "impending sexual congress" into daily lexicon

A series of texts saved in my phone that are related to RPattz

The full title of this post is "A series of texts saved in my phone that are related to RPattz; or, For some reason Omer is operating under the misapprehension that I have straight boys in my actual life despite the considerable evidence, text-related alone, that would indicate otherwise."

Sarah (July 15, 4:55 PM): emergency: rpattz on wall street

Sarah (July 15, 5:06 PM): you can always just make fun of the crowd! ironic stalking! YOU WORK THERE YOU'RE ALLOWED

Sarah (July 15, 5:34 PM): don't forget to eat dinner. i don't want you to get drunk and tell everyone you stalked rpattz

(At some point around 6 I sent a mass text saying I saw RPattz, which I foolishly did not save; I will likely never again experience such triumph. Yes I left work to do this. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE including my boss told me to.)

Mike (July 15, 6:06 PM): Wtf get out

Alanty (July 15, 6:25 PM): FUCK YES!!! [side note: this was same text I got from Ninty when Obama got elected]

Omer (July 15, 7:41 PM): Fiona. Bring your straight boy friends to my really gay party on friday. Ok?! Robert pattinson will be there

Christine (July 15, 11:31 PM): That's awesome. Question--does he smell? On a scale of none to Bard what would you say it is?

Dad (July 20, 1:58 PM): Interesting! Nina told me u saw an actor frow [sic] Twilight

I never want a different room mate

Sarah: Have you seen Lawn Dogs? Sam Rockwell's in it and he plays a lawn mower. I mean someone who mows lawns, not a (gestures)

Friday Friday Friday

Fiona: i fuckin can't believe it's not 3:30 yet
Alanty: I KNOOOOOOW
Fiona: i'm not picking up the phone for the rest of the day. too many people i'm trying to avoid!
Alanty: GOOD PLAN!!!
Fiona: looks like someone's really phoning it in. ::sunglasses:: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alana: hahahaha looks like THAT call got avoided. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Fiona: looks like someone got called...home to jesus. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Re: The Vampire Diaries

Fiona: fake edward cullen is noooooo rpattz
Sarah: dude i KNOW so bad
Sarah: i could outrun him AND fight him off
Fiona: his smell doesn't invite me in

Cable: we hardly knew ye

Fiona: DEAR IO CUSTOMER SERVICE EMAIL PEOPLE, WHAT IS THIS KINDA BULLSHIT GOING ON WITH ADVANCED OPTIONS NOT AVAILABLE?
Sarah: I DON'T COME TO YOUR WORK AND PUT MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH.

Singlehood: Part 1 of Infinity

Real things mom has said

LOL OUR LIVES, an interaction via text

Fiona: just saw jacksper on the proactive commercial on tv. best moment of tonight.
Sarah: omg!!! he had acne? yesssssss
Fiona: he was the demonstration teen with like one fake pimple
Sarah: awesome. i like thinking about twi boys when i am miserable with other folks
Fiona: yeah it's one of my happy places. fyi watchin dogs 101 with sarah cause she'd already seen the iron chef that was on
Sarah: omg. omg omg omg.
Fiona: this show's not bad. apropos of nothing do you know any boys i can date.
Sarah:lolz




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